I think I've learned my lesson quite well in this department. Yeah, I was WAAAAYYY interesting that time. Crap.
Humor me more.
It's my last day here in Legazpi and I haven't even gone to see Mayon yet. Last night I was supposed to post an entry but I lost it in the middle of posting. Maybe it wwas not meant to be read so as not to impart a certain level of melancholy that goes along with it.
Legazpi's gloomy; the weather here being too unpredictable. In the morning the sun's at its brightest only to rain just hours after. So was that just another one of my pessimistic views? I'm just stating a fact, no other meaning intended. It's just that gloomy's not good for somebody who's nursing.
Yesterday I was irritated at myself for being distracted in the middle of cramming my audit reports. In the first place this is what I wanted: to be busy to be distracted. So how come I am getting distracted from my distraction? In the middle of counting 3000 valves, things which I'm supposed to be letting go of now still manage to seep in.
Erase. Erase. Erase.
Let's change the topic now. So what have I done here besides work? Aside from buying pili and getting two shirts from ukay-ukay (Gap and Banana Republic mind you) I have done nothing but eat. Everyday's turning out to be a gastronomic feast that I fear the weighing scale this moment. And oh yeah I've seen the Mayon Volcano...FROM THE ROAD. Now how pitiful is that? My Bicol experience is defined by my consumption of laing and bicol express.
Cool. I discovered that Chili Peppers started out here in Legazpi. Their baby back ribs is just divine! I was amazed because I thought that it was one of those gimik places in Makati. Or maybe I just thought that it was a gimik place because I see a lot of call center agents who have just ended their shifts taking their daily dose of San Miguel beer at 8 in the morning.
We're supposed to go to Cagsawa tomorrow morning in my desperate attempt to have my picture taken so I should be sleeping now. Besides, I haven't packed my things yet. So I guess this would be it for now. Pictures to follow
I lost yet another earring last Tuesday as I was scouting the mall for that perfect dress; and it was not jut any other earring, I would like to believe that it has brought me luck during the four years that it had been with me. Back in college, I wore it (along with the matching necklace) to every exam. I wore it during my board exams. I wore it to all the job interviews I went through. It's just so sad that I did not even notice that it was already gone from my left ear. Hay...kainis.
Now I have to find another lucky charm.
I don't know whether to be happy about this or what.
I was at People are People at Trinoma looking for a gimik outfit for this coming Saturday. I found this really nice teal silk dress and thinking that it was free size, i tried it on. To my dismay, it did not flatter my figure (naks! figure talaga) as I found it to be loose for me. I then asked the saleslady if there were sizes available in which she responded that all the stocks have been brought out already.
So there I was really determined to have that dress in my size and I found myself digging through that humongous pile of clothes. Sad to say, I failed. they do not carry it in my size as almost all the clothes were in sizes L and XL.
Oi ngayon lang nangyari yan na wala akong size dahil lahat maluwag...Feeling payat. Nyahaha.But hrrr...I really wanted that dress!!!
Uneventful, of course, was not the way that I would have wanted it to be but it wasn’t necessarily bad either. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a “melancholic” birthday, even leading me to dread the fifth of November. How odd it was that even with all the love being shown by the people around me, I still allow myself (and my day) to be destroyed by one person. Looking back, I’ve realized that the culprit was different for each year. How remorseful.
So the 2007 one was bland, but it broke that vicious birthday cycle. This year, well I must admit that I again find myself in that path but I will try to push myself onto that street with “HEALING” written in big bold letters.
Most of the time, I have seen the world as black; choosing to look at the glass as half empty rather than half-full. I have found myself incessantly wallowing in self-pity and though I vowed to start looking from the sunny side of the fence, it’s still hard to lose one’s old ways.
Rereading my previous year’s entry made me realize one thing: circumstances might have been altered, the people and events involved might have been different but nevertheless it was generally quite the same story with a little bit of tweaking. True enough, most things aggravate with age and sad to say, contentment is one of those.
It’s sad that I forgot how pleasant the taste of warm coffee was just because my tongue got scalded; how one setback or defeat casted a shadow over my accomplishments and worse led me to stop believing. I am aging in number but I still doubt whether my maturity is in level with it.
So where have I been the past year?
This year I discovered things about myself, both good and bad. I've done things that I never thought I would be capable of and up to this very minute I still question how and why; something that I am not and probably would never be proud of and it haunts me everyday big time.
A vast amount of time, I was struggling: struggling to get by each day, struggling to change the turn of events, struggling to put up a brave front, struggling to breathe. It breaks me that all I can remember was that I was in a huge amount of pain. I have mastered the art of theatrics being that strong feisty woman on the outside and when the lights go out I become this little girl curled into a ball in that dark and cold corner of the room.
I have previously written that I have drawn a numerous amount of lines and that maybe it is time to risk and cross and look at the view from a different perspective. I did just that. Of all the lines to cross, it was most unfortunate that I chose the one with a cliff on the other side. And yet feeling that my left foot was nowhere near the ground, I chose to continue turning a blind eye on that colorful streamer with the words “Caution: Fatal” written with blinking lights. I took a chance. Now where did that take me?
Yes, I was bitter and blamed myself substantially for it. I was angry and my cup of emotions was filling with fury and hatred to the brim. Then I woke up one morning, stared at the mirror and realized that I was not liking the person I was seeing. I was afraid of whom I was becoming and I know that I must clean up my act the moment I gather the strength to do so.
If life is indeed about choices then in a snap of a finger I would definitely opt to take the following: to be okay, to be at peace and to forgive even without being asked for forgiveness. Now if I could only be granted these then it would lead to that one thing that I have been wanting to attain for the longest time.
Aside from the material things (which includes a Pink Sony Vaio and a pair of blue slim Havaianas *wink*) as cheesy as this may sound, I just want to be truly happy again; that the hole that I have been feeling in my chest for the past years be filled. I want to laugh lo my heart's content like there’s no tomorrow. I want to find joy again the simplest things; when raindrops used to mean a tranquil sleep rather than setting the mood for a bawl fest or when staring at the setting sun at the roof of our house when I was twelve brought me bliss rather than anxiety. Now where is that bunny which would give me my happy pill?
Amidst all the crap, I acknowledge the fact that I do have a lot of things to be thankful for. I am blessed with a far from perfect but nonetheless a very beautiful family. I have achieved my goal to elevate myself in my career ladder within a year of entering the corporate world. I have managed to keep my ties with old but forever dependable friends and transformed mere acquaintances into new ones. I have collected a lot of coffee cup, bubble tea and beer bottle memories. I haven’t been ill nor figured in an accident. I have finally had my passport stamped as I was able to set foot and explore not one, but two foreign lands. I am ending my twenty-third year with the achievement of now being able to swim a whole kilometer in the MASA pool. I have lots of things to look forward to still in that pink metallic box with a huge bow that life is presenting in front of me for my twenty-fourth year.
I am looking forward to changes. Physically there’s going to be a major and some minor ones. Emotionally, that is what I have to condition myself for. Right now I start by painting my nails red.
Quoting Forrest Gump, life is indeed a box of chocolates and as much as I am scared I am also thrilled to indulge in the truffles that the world has in store for me.