23 August 2010

Something Personal

I have avoided being too personal or sharing much of myself in this blog because I was trying my best to be all sunny and perky but today was just different. Somehow all the insecurities just piled up and I cannot contain how bad I am feeling anymore. I portray the tough cookie but in reality, I am one insecure human being.

My weight  has always been my biggest insecurity. People who have known me from way back have witnessed how much I struggled with it. I changed my eating habits and that was when I started running. I was too driven to lose weight that I developed eating disorders. My mother was no help at all. I remember having to endure mockery from her, telling the sales lady how big my thighs were or how huge my tummy was while fitting clothes in a department store. Hearing those somehow created a huge dent in my self-esteem which I never recovered from. In a country where petite was the norm, I felt really lost. I love my friends but being in a brood of the prettiest girls can really be quite, well, stressful. Comparing myself to them made me feel so left out and the fact that I have never had a real relationship made me stress about my physique even more. I have come to accept the fact that I will never be stick thin but it wouldn't hurt if I can shed off more.

Today opened a lot of closed windows and healed wounds and it was painful that it brought me to tears. I can't even look at food without thinking of throwing up. As a matter of fact I haven't eaten anything in 15 hours.

I don't hate the people who made me realize this. It is myself that I hate.

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