It's been two weeks. Two weeks of silence. Two weeks of trying to let go. Two weeks of moving on. Two weeks of pretending to be moving on. So far, it has been the longest two weeks of my life. That was all I ever did. Try.
It's 12:30 in the morning. I should be sleeping now. I haven't gotten a good sleep since.
I've kept myself busy, juggling between school and work and continuing to function and doing my daily routines. I've surrounded myself with friends, talking about what happened in the hope that every ounce of pain would fade away if I continue to do so. I swiped my credit card as if the mall would run out of merchandise because it gives me a temporary high. I've managed to put up a brave front. But at the end of the day, every emotion just surges back. When all I have is myself, I cry. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I cry as I write this post.
It was raining, that Monday night. It's also raining now.
I thought I was handling it pretty well, my friends even said so. In reality, I crumble over and over that it has become a routine of mine to glue myself together in the morning and paste that smile on my face as I go out of my room. As soon as my brain cells realize that they do not have a report to work on or a homework to be busy about, I realize that I fucking miss you.
I check my phone every now and then hoping that maybe you there's a message from you. I scour through my inbox because maybe I might just find an email from you. It takes a lot of willpower not to initiate a conversation, and trust me I don't have a high EQ. I associate you with almost everything: that place we used to drink, japanese food, Eng Bee Tin. Whenever I see alarm clocks I get reminded of that phone call you made at 4 AM to wake me up just so I can study for my midterms. Whenever I go to school, I remember that day that you showed up without me knowing because you wanted to make "bawi" from a misunderstanding the night before. For some reason, my memory has gotten the hang of it. It's ironic that the title of this post was also the title of the movie we last watched. For the past months, you have always been my go-to person, the one I tell news first to be it good or bad. You see, I have gotten 4.0s in two of my subjects and you'd be proud that I can finish a whole cup of rice now. Gerberas have always been my favorite flower when the other girls have loved receiving roses. I told you that you were the first to give me a bouquet since my senior prom. Now I hate that everytime I see gerberas, my insides twitch. You are everywhere and I loathe it.
I thought we were doing well. You said I was your lucky charm. You said that you would never do anything to hurt me. That you'd rather it be you that would get hurt . Never me.
I know that you have to go and sort out everything. That you can't be with me when you still feel for her, when the slightest news brings you back to her. We've been friends for three years. I've seen how you loved her. I've witnessed how she broke you. I thought I can compete with nine years. I've had my fears. I've had apprehensions. I threw them all out the window because I thought I can shatter that wall you've surrounded yourself with. I realized that nine years is an awful lot of time to forget, memories to erase and wounds to heal. Even in pain, I'm trying to be rational and justify why you had to hurt me like this. That if hurting me in turn would result to your inner peace, then alright let me go. But please, fight to be okay. Fight for your happiness; because if you don't, then all of this would not make any sense. Please do not self-destruct. That would be the worst thing you could ever do to the both of us.
She was your first heartbreak. You were like my nth. I've had one too many.
But just so you know, I hurt. Somehow being a veteran in this department does not lessen the gravity. Nobody could really master the art of this. I hurt bad. It hurts that you let go of me just like that. It hurts that I can't give you the happiness that you are looking for. It hurts that I cannot heal you. It hurts that I am not enough.
And right now, I feel that every single day.
Yet, I still pray every night for your pain to be taken away and for you to find your happiness again. I want you to travel and explore new things. You're going on your first travel abroad this week right? Enjoy that, immerse yourself and let loose. I want you to talk more and share your thoughts and yourself with others. You do not have to carry everything on your shoulders. I want you to recognize it when you need help and allow people in. Do not be afraid to show that you cannot be strong all the time and it is not a crime to be weak. I pray that He restores your optimism and that you to see the world with colors and know that you are worthy of being loved. I would have wanted to give you that but you pushed me away. I knew that I was going to give more in what was that so-called relationship of ours. I've known that from the very beginning. I was willing to fight for my happiness. It was just sad that you weren't.
I was not given the opportunity to decide, you made the decision for me. You made the decision for the two of us. You decided that I'll never be happy with you. You gave the verdict when I'm the only one who could decide if I'll hold on or not. You asked me if I think it will do me good if I stayed with you. I guess we'll never know now, won't we?
So I've decided that I won't wait. God knows how long would it take for me to heal but I choose to fight for my sanity because I want to be okay. I'm not really as strong as people perceive me to be but just as before, I won't let this destroy me. I struggle everyday and I pray that God will always provide me the wisdom to understand and the strength that I need. I won't wallow in self-pity and live in the what-ifs because no matter what I do and no matter how hard I think, nothing will change. You no longer want this. I won't promise that I will be there on that day when you have finally found your peace and that you're ready to feel again. When that day comes, however, let me know. Maybe, just maybe, I haven't decided to go anywhere but here.